6.6: Timelash

In which tinsel is terrifying.

Broadcast: March 1985

Watched: January 2021

Timelash, Part One

“All 500 of us?” Some of the dialogue here is catastrophic – who exactly was Glen McCoy, and had he ever seen television before? Was he ever allowed to write again?

First time I watched this I remember it being so much worse than I’d imagined. Maybe now I’ve over-corrected or maybe the pilgrimage has done bad things to my brain, because that just felt like a run of the mill bad episode of Doctor Who rather than an utter catastrophe. I don’t think it had less merit than, say, Planet of Fire 2. Okay a lot of it is nonsense, the exposition is physically painful and most of the acting is abysmal (Vena is actually less expressive than the androids). But on the other hand, Herbert is quite fun and it’s genuinely nice to see Paul Darrow enjoying himself. Why is it considered the worst one again?

[One theory, courtesy of Lance Parkin… The cancellation of the series, later retconned as a brief hiatus, was announced in late February: this was the first new story to begin after that announcement, and it sucked. Another theory, as we’ll come to shortly, is that episode 2 is worse.]

This is yet another one in which it takes the TARDIS 25 minutes to reach the story – I think that’s every Colin story so far except Mark, isn’t it? It also starts with the Doctor and Peri having a row. Which also happens in every story. I like the time corridor effect that looks like a ZX Spectrum trying to load though.

Karfel itself is shit, but it’s shit in a very 70s Who way – the “As you well know we are still in thrall to the overlords”-style plot is something you get a bit in the 60s and here, and loads in the 70s. I wonder why it was such a trend, and why it’s suddenly back.

The idea that the Borad orders the boss to divert all power, leaving his wife to die in what appears to be the planet’s only hospital, is not a bad metaphor for dictatorship. It does make the planet feel rather small though. As do the crowd scenes with eight people in them. Are there meant to be people, besides the rebels, outside the citadel?

The smallness is kind of weird because looking at wiki this has quite a big cast – unusually so, I think. Yet they still cast a hand puppet as the Bandril ambassador. Definitely not the worst monster we’ve seen, mind.

Questions: Why does an android suddenly appear in the caves on fire? Why does Peri recognise Jo Grant? And why did anyone think it was a good idea to have the Borad perve over Peri like the last six villains?

I, too, am terrified of tinsel.

Timelash, Part Two

“It’s science! Fiction!”

It was in some ways a mistake, in some ways an act of genius, to watch this immediately after the second episode of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It contains so much of what that show is parodying. The really badly staged fight scene. The music cues matching the action. The bit where the Doctor descends into the Timelash, and it’s a climbing wall with some sticky out bits and bits of tinsel, and he has to grab crystals for no adequately explained reason while people shout at him like he’s in The Crystal Maze. Both Vena and Kendron are less convincing as humans than the bright blue android with a singsong voice. And then suddenly there’s a picture of Jon Pertwee and we’re all meant to go, “aaaaaah”. It’s Doctor Who as panto.

Part 1 was... not good, but fit for broadcast. This isn’t. I’m not sure it fits Lance’s thesis though since it’s the third episode after the hiatus was announced.

Okay, some things that could have been good. Coin is, mostly, the right level of dick here – the bit where he tells Tekker to shut up and go away is lovely (even if he’s dead literally two minutes later and they don’t exploit the slight discomfort of that). The android borad (though later he seems to be a computer simulation, which is confusing). The time trick the Doctor plays, pushing his own image 10 seconds into the future, is quite fun and explains something baffling about part 1, even if it doesn’t really make sense.

But then for the second time this season, and not even the last time overall, Peri faces being turned into a monster. With 17 minutes left to go, both the Borad and Tekker are dead and oh ook there’s a missile how very original. (Was this the period new writers were given Revenge of the Cybermen for inspiration, Jim?) Suddenly the Doctor is being an utter dick to Peri, literally carrying her out of the TARDIS when she’s terrified, and all drama – let’s imagine there might be some – is ruined by the fact all the scenes go on forever.

Oh, and then the Borad is not dead after all, and that isn’t dramatic either, and he’s defeated by the sight of his own reflection. I’m not sure “He’s really ugly” is the worst thing about him, but the Doctor thinks otherwise.

And the Loch Ness Monster joke can f*ck off.

Other things. Being a Time Lord is enough to get the hand puppet ambassador’s attention, for some reason. Herbert would make a lot more sense if he was being set up as a new companion, but he isn’t. “I’ll explain later – it’s a neat trick,” is infuriating. [They never do explain later.]

I’m not certain it’s the worst story – Twin Dilemma is a far more damaging misstep; it’s on balance more fun than something like Underworld, even if it doesn’t have as good an episode 1 – but it’s definitely up there.

Oh well. Tomorrow Trump leaves office – and with stories that are either good, or ones I quite like even though they’re not, lying ahead I’m out of the dark.

[Update from July 20203: Oh.]