13.4: Arachnids in the UK

In which spiders aren’t supposed to be that big.

Broadcast: October 2018

Watched: June 2022

“Spiders don’t do that. Do they?”

Alternatively: “Maybe I’m nervous. Or just socially awkward.”

Look, I know I’m way out of line with the consensus on this one. Everyone agrees it’s terrible – it might have actually been a first draft, I think? – and there are some objectively awful things about it:

• There are, repeatedly, too many characters in a scene, with nothing to do;

• At no point does Yaz, a police officer, point out to the guy with the gun that you actually cannot have a gun in this country, it’s against the law;

• The Doctor’s sympathy for the dying mother spider doesn’t fit even slightly with the fact she just LEFT ALL HER CHILDREN TO STARVE TO DEATH.

Those things are bad. They’re also entirely fixable. So I see why they bother people.

But... I just find it really, fun, okay? Pre-allegation Chris Noth hamming it up as Donald Trump and/or that Mr Big/Peter Florrick guy he always plays, but clearly knowing it’s ridiculous (“I have no more Kevin!”). A luxury hotel, in Sheffield, filled with giant mutant spiders. 

And there are bits I will absolutely defend. The beautifully shot opening, with the camera moving through the creepy, empty hotel, before cutting to the TARDIS in the vortex. 

Actually, there’s loads of great character stuff here. The Doctor’s sadness that she’s saying goodbye to her new friends. The Doctor trying to do her thing, but repeatedly being interrupted by Yaz’s mum asking stupid questions. 

Then there’s the first sign of a thaw in the Graham/Ryan relationship, when the latter offers to go back to the house with him. Bradley Walsh is absolutely brilliant in the scene with Graham looking around his dead wife’s empty house. Tosin Cole is also absolutely brilliant when he does his “Oh shit, Yaz’s sister fancies me” face.

Best of all is the scene in which Ryan is finally about to tell Graham that he’s more of a dad than his real dad ever was, only he gets distracted by the fact there’s a spider the size of a fucking volkswagen on the ceiling.

I know it’s badly scripted. But I really, really enjoy it.

Other things:

• The title annoys me but that’s mostly because I hate that this country is officially called “the UK”.

• Park Hill! Cool, love those flats.

• It is very Chibnall to do this story without even noticing the existence of Planet of the Spiders.

• Tanya Fear as Jade is massively channelling Osgood. LOL at the way she keeps saying things like “It doesn’t make ANY SENSE, this is NOT what spiders do” with a completely straight face.

• “Are you Ed Sheeran?” I like the way Chris Noth is basically a fascist but wants to beat Donald Trump, and thus is a symbol of the Democratic Party. Oh wait, he’s also Howard Hughes.

• “Are you two seeing each other?” FINALLY, Thasmin.

• “My husband’s right! It’s a conspiracy. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when my husband’s right?” There is something here reaching towards a critique of capitalism – you just avoid responsibility, etc. – but it doesn’t get there because Chibnall. 

• The ending is dreadful, obviously – when Robertson says it’d be more humana just to shoot them, he’s right, and he isn’t meant to be – but his annoyance that Brits won’t just “Get a gun, shoot things, like a civilised person” is hilarious.

• “This is what’s going to get me into the White House” – what, shooting a giant spider you don’t want anyone to even know about?

Anyway I’m actually really enjoying rewatching this season. It’s possible I’ve been in country too long.