13.24: War of the Sontarans

In which we’re off to the Crimean War. Sort of.

Broadcast: November 2021

Watched: August 2022

“Doctor is a man’s term.” “It’s fluid.”

Flux in miniature. It has fun ideas, loads of good bits, two connected plots (Sontarans in Liverpool, Sontarans in the Crimea)... but to me it feels like it lacks momentum. It goes on forever, is rammed with longueurs, and for all its positive qualities, and they are many, I’m kind of... bored?

Accentuating the positive first, it looks amazing – that battlefield! – and there’s some great imagery: the map; the doorless TARDIS; the spooky black and white house the Doctor is dreaming about (is that Lungbarrow?). “They’re not fighting Russians” is a great cliffhanger. (Ooh, I only just realised: he’s brought back the pre-credits.) The idea of Sontarans invading and occupying history is confusing but probably in the right way. 

Also there are some terrific moments:

• “Eh lad, did someone nick your house?”

• “I wanted to ride a horse.”

• Karvanista coming to Dan’s rescue and later shaking himself dry, because dog.

• The general, broken, asking for help, followed by the doctor’s “I’m going to need a pointy stick.”

• Dan’s parents attacking Sontarans is a nice moment, too, but also come on.

One hefty less good quality to this story... It is *very* convenient and *very* Chibnall, the way the regulars all materialise in the A plot, and then two of them just vanish to their subplots. (“I need a universal GPS. Then I’d know where I was whenever this happens. Cos it does keep happening.” Yes, yes it does.) 

About halfway through this, I also started wondering “Why not just make the Flux an event that utterly scrambles history, rather than conventional destruction?” Surely that would fit neatly with Chibnall’s writing style: forget plot logic, just let you zip around to the good bits. When a talking triangle, weirdly reminiscent of the Stones of Blood, started spouting a load of old nonsense about how “Time is destruction, the Mouri are control” and I wondered if maybe at one point this was the plan.

Except... the cause of the destruction on Time isn’t the Flux, is it? The flux comes before Swarm attacks Time? Also surely it should be the Time Lords who hold time together, not the Mouri? Is this a warring drafts thing? Hang on it’s pointless looking for sense here isn’t it, never mind.

While I’m complaining, it is f*cking dumb that the Sontarans all sleep at the same f*cking time.

Other things:

• “I assert my rights to silence under section Cyan K-Z Nine Slothback of the Shadow Proclamation.” As you do.

• When the talking triangle gets distressed because it knows it’s going to die, it’s oddly affecting 

• “Sonta-ho” is apparently bad news.

• “WWTDD”. I dunno, Yaz, but I bet it’d be disappointing and wouldn’t make much sense.