13.14: Orphan 55

In which she loves her Benni.

Broadcast: January 2020

Watched: July 2022

“...Like, a really angry tree!”

Very season 24, right up to having a character called Kane in it, but mixed up with the standard horror movie “picked off one by one” thing. Everyone seems to hate this one and I don’t know why. 

Okay, it feels a bit cheap (the “Hyphen-with-a-3” costume looks ridiculous). And the monsters are very rarely in shot with the humans – only during the final confrontation, I think? – which feels like a cock-up, and also oddly Red Dwarf-y. Oh, and there’s some very stupid stuff in the set up (how do they stop guests banging into the invisible wall panels all the time?).

Against that, though, it absolutely zips along: I like that they don’t linger on the “oooh, can it really be the paradise it appears” thing, because obviously it can’t be, so that lasts for all of about seven minutes (“It’s called tranquillity”; of course it is). And I quite like the complete lack of subtlety, both in the environmental message and of the “if you don’t listen to your kids the world will literally end” stuff.

Why do people hate it? The old lady off the insurance commercials is quite annoying, but not so annoying as to justify the “Worst. Episode. EVER” accolades...

...although the moment I typed that she started screaming and attracting monsters; also why did they bring Benni back before killing him? Is it just to taunt her? Anyway...

...the other thing seems to be that people hate the bluntness of the message, because it might scare the kids or something. (Contrast it with the optimism of The End of the World.) But I think that’s one of the best things here: the Doctor’s “the future is not fixed” speech about climate change is probably Jodie’s best moment so far, for the first time she’s not messing about and you get a sense of real strength from her.

Other things:

• This week's unseen adventure: something involving giant squids in the TARDIS.

• LOL that the failure to put blue skies in half the shots means that the paradise looks miserable even before it turns into hell.

• I like that the elderly couple aren't married, that Benni keeps trying to propose only monsters get in the way. I absolutely LOVE the bit where Ryan gets a computer virus and the Doctor has to cure him (“Now suck your thumb until the hallucinations stop and remember, they're not real bats.”)

• Also: “So, er... how long have you been unemployed?” Ryan's great. I'm going to miss Ryan. 

• “If I had crayons and half a can of spam I could build you from scratch.”

• The idea the elite evacuated the Earth leaving everyone else to die reframes The Ark In Space/The Beast Below/whatever a bit doesn't it? Although this apocalypse is clearly meant to be “the week after next”, so.

• To be fair to this episode's detractors, the “syrillium 3 + hopper virus = syrillium 4” thing is utter bullshit.