12.36: Empress of Mars

In which Missy says something nice.

Broadcast: May 2017

Watched: June 2022

“It’s a load of gammon.”

Not as bad as I remembered, because I remembered it being awful, possibly the worst one since 2005. It might be, but it’s not completely dreadful, just a bit cheap. It’s basically Victory of the Daleks 2: it takes a bloody brilliant set up, and then entirely fails to do anything with it.

To be fair, it has a pretty cool opening, with the probe discovering the words “God save the queen” on Mars. (Oooh, NASA. Joins the White House, Pentagon, Vatican and CERN among places we’ve randomly been this season. Bill really gets about doesn’t she?) The moment where the Doctor says “You don’t understand, he’s no threat” and the British soldier shoots at him and asks the ice warrior if he’s alright is cool, too.

But... the the theme of British imperialism and exploitation is ridiculously unexploited, something that’s visible in the failure to even acknowledge racism, in the 1880s. (The Berlin conference, which divided up Africa, is three years away: honestly, this is basically the high water mark for massive, massive racism.)

To be fair, the Doctor does say “The humans are the invaders”, and the soldiers talk about Mars being part of the empire – the writer acknowledges the problem, at least, but... it’s just a desktop theme. The script doesn’t interrogate it in any way. What’s more, the fact Friday turns out to be a villain after all makes sense within the Doctor Who story, but not as a plot twist in an anti-imperial story. But it’s okay, because he changes sides without explanation after a bit.

Aaaand then the Doctor wins because they’re helpfully under the north pole. Only then they go to the surface and there’s no ice? What? 

I had thought the traitorous colonel wasn’t going anywhere but that actually provides a way out of the story, so that’s almost good.

It’s fine. it could be worse. But this is the writer’s 9th TV Doctor Who story. Why is he still no better than this? 

Meanwhile in the B plot: the bit with Nardole going back to the TARDIS and it randomly taking him home seems, at first, like it’s just there to get him out of the story because he’s, narratively, a pain in the arse. This is funny as it’s clearly not that: it’s to further the Missy plot, too. By far the best bit of the episode is the fact that the cliffhanger is Missy asking if the Doctor’s alright and *actually caring about the answer*, and him looking utterly freaked out. 

Other things:

• This is the second story running with a minor character called Alan. Must be a first.

• “He speaks the truth, majesty”, feels like Gatiss quoting but I can’t work out what. Might be Kamelion in Caves? Or might just be a generic Who thing. Oh look, it’s that bit from Tomb of the Cybermen with all the tombs.

• There are some absolutely bloody terrible cockney accents and lingo at work here. Also Jackday furtively steals jewels from the tomb, while *singing*, as if there’s no contradiction there.

• Vincey – who no one is racist against, in 1881, weirdly – talking about his Alice and that church they’re getting married in is such a cliche that frankly he deserves to die. 

• More of Bill being a scifi nerd, which is a character trait they gave her at the start of the season and then forgot all about. Here it seems to be her only characteristic, because it’s massively overused.

• Some good bits: the portrait of Pauline Collins as Queen Victoria. The 70s/80s-style incidental music is pretty cool. The Alpha Centauri bit can f*ck off, but kudos for getting Ysanne Churchman back to do the voice, especially in her 80s.

• Is the ice queen doing an impression of the Empress of the Racnoss deliberately?

• LOL that this totally undermines Waters of Mars without anyone even noticing.