10.13: Army of Ghosts

In which RTD decides that last year’s finale was neither big enough nor fanboy enough.

Broadcast: July 2006

Watched: August 2021

Right, first thing to say about this one: I watched it after Jim took me out and got me extremely drunk, so it’s his fault.

“This is the story of how I died…” No it isn’t, you’re not dead, you’re stood on a beach, this intro is really annoying.

After which it’s great. All the using the media to show how the world has changed in the Doctor’s absence stuff (“No sign of you, thank you very much”) is fab: “On today’s Ghostwatch…”; Eastenders, with its mystery of how Barbara Windsor can be worse than she normally is playing a role she’s been playing for years; Derek Acorah.

Also, the way the show doesn’t bother patronising us by pretending the ghosts are anything other than a threat, it’s right there in the episode name (also: “It’s almost like a military display”). It’s kind of hilarious how many cybermen there are, enough to be loads everywhere.

This episode is not that kind to Jackie. She kisses the Doctor (“Oh you’re all mine... yes you are!”), but then he’s visibly offended by the idea he might travel with Rose’s mother, and there’s a joke about her age. I’d say this is RTD’s misogyny again but Yvonne is definitely intended to be sexy, so it’s more his anti-mother agenda. It’s nice she gets to be part of the adventure in her last story, though. But her “She’s not Rose Tyler. Not any more. She’s not even human” speech makes no sense and is obviously just there so they could use it in the press and make us worried Rose will get Bill Potts-ed on us.

The Torchwood theme plays when we get to see the place, and I love that they applaud the Doctor. Also, someone finally sees through the psychic paper, thank god.

At the same time, though, it establishes the Torchwood tradition that they’re actually quite shit. Yvonne caves instantly when the Doctor uses reverse psychology. It’s not that obvious what they’re trying to achieve with the sphere, and they haven’t noticed they’ve been infiltrated by a freedom fighter from another universe. (Clark plays Mickey/”Samuel” as strikingly more confident now.)

Also, the junior staff are all shockingly rubbish. Martha’s illiterate cousin does nothing to suggest Freema is worth hiring. The two guys who get controlled by the cybermen look weirdly identical, like lego men with different coloured hair. (Also, in my drunken notes I wrote: “not worth it for a snog” yeah I think you misunderstood the implications of that sentence, Adeola mate.)

Hang on –  the “come and see” sequence is something Moffat lifts for Time of Angels. Huh.

I remember my ex being delighted when the Daleks turned up at the end. Far more than Mickey who’s obvious pissed it isn’t a cybermen.

Bottom line is RTD took the long term fanboy joke about Daleks vs Cybermen, and did it, over London, as the B-plot in a story about the Doctor’s relationship to his companion. So that’s pretty cool.

Other things:

• My latest “I thought they were old, they’re not…” Raj is about 35.

• “Allonsy”, the most annoying of all the catchphrases, makes its first appearance.

• “Some people call it hell” sooo has the Doctor worked out where the beast came from then? Bit of a weak link.

• This is basically half of Canary Wharf’s life back, there are far more towers there now, I can see them from my window. I’d have had a great view of the battle, I would.

• “We would never depend on the Middle East again” is very 2006.

• In a story in no way based on Spare Parts, Yvonne is named after a character from Spare Parts. [A 2002 audio story from Big Finish which basically does the whole “genesis of the cybermen” bit.] 

• The scariest thing about the RTD era cybermen is the SFX.

• The sphere room seals/cut off just as the sphere enters the real world... nice symmetry.

• “It’s not an invasion, it’s too late for that. It’s a victory” –  it really annoys me that he didn’t write “occupation”. Rubbish line.

• The thought occurs that the “next time” trailer last episode included clips from episode 13, too. Also, why is Jake in the “next time” one here? Seems a bit unnecessary. Good to see Cybermen fighting Daleks, though.

• One of my notes just reads “covid” and I have no idea why.